Keeping Perspective

NEW BLOG ADDRESS

2009-01-07T21:12:00.000-08:00

Hey all,

Come and see me here, for now on!!

www.keepingperspective.hazubu.com

A Chill Pill

2008-08-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

Lately, I feel like I have been taking doses of the good old chill pill, more and more in my life....which is, incredible for me! I am laughing more at the kids, expecting spills so that way less anxiety comes when they happen, and following my Dad's advice, "just let them fight". :) Rawl was tackling Milly, and I thought to myself, "why don't stop screaming, stand up and....fight like a MAN!" So, I left. I watered the grass for a minute but seemed like eternity, I basically went nuts, as both kids were screaming bloody murder by now. I came in, Rawl's head was under Milly's foot, she ran to a room and slammed it behind her. I asked Rawl, "Did you like that Rawl? "No." "Then don't tackle Milly." And that was that. I have done a whole lot of work to produce this slow change in me, the calmer, chill pillier me, and its you know a two step forward, one step back, but fact is, I can see progress, and so frankly...I am thrilled!!

Here's the skinny on an awesome program I found that a wonderful woman gave me to borrow. It is a little pricey, not if you just buy the book, but I bought it--you can actually rent it for less :) I bought it cause I trust it--its totally structured around the scriptures, and based completely in and through them, and has twelve thought patterns that you try to develop, to think like Christ. I will cycle through these like ole' Ben Franklin did on his twelve or so goals. It deals with all my issues, and concentrates and focuses my efforts, so why not? Basing my approval from the Lord, not others, allowing everyone their agency, basically all things I've been trying to work on...and need to keep working on!! The whole goal of it all, is to find joy in each day, no matter the day, even when sorrow and trial are involved. Here's a paragraph giving an idea on a changed thought pattern, in kind of an example prayer,

"I choose to overcome my weaknesses, not so Thou will love me more, but so I can feel Thy love more. I perform to become like Thee. I exercise my faith, seeking thy power and influence for the purpose of developing my capacity to love as Thou lovest, to be patient as Thou art patient, to have Thy peace in my inner world this day. Help me, Father, to value myself as Thou valuest me. I will treat myself with awe and respect this day. I know who I am, where I came from, and why I am here. I seek this day to feel my great worth and the great worth of all those around me. As I choose to focus unto the spiritual world this hour, I can feel and see who I really am. I no longer look unto the temporal world for value, for validation, or approval. I feel my value from Thee. I receive my validation from Thee. With Thy great help, I am able to create good feelings of worth within my temple, and then share these greatest feelings with others. I am able to give unto others because Thou givest unto me. " James B. Cox, pg 40 Becoming Spiritually Centered

Well, ebedee bedee thats all folks.

A Bowling Ball in a China shop

2008-07-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

The day started out with a fat bight on Milly, and continued on with the normal dragging out of all my blankets, and taking off all my couch covers, stealing Milly's toys, making Milly scream at every turn, hurting deffensively baby Hazel, who is a real wimp just like her older sister, or shall I say, 'dainty', chasing Rawl down the street and stepping in glass on the way, and then the real catcher was when I read to Milly and Rawl out of a safety book, it was about how to treat a black eye. The picture had a boy with a black eye, and a ball. Rawl promptly goes to the back room and gets a ball, and throws it right in my face. This was not the safety tip I was hoping they'd learn from this of course. Peter used to nail batteries right in the head, and Rawl has followed his uncle Peter's impecable aim, he threw something right at me the other day in the head, but I have already blocked out what the object was. I decided today I was going to be really firm, immediate in consequence delivering, etc. And I got a bit of Bubby Blues. It kinda trades back between children Milly Rue, Bubby Blue, and Hazel Glue. Well, I have been praying for guidance on how to help Rawl gain a gentle hand, a kind touch. Today, when I was tired of him, I sang his song to him, even thought it wasn't his nap time. Truth is, I was singing it to me-- to try to keep perspective of who he's going to become (Tune is Danny Boy) "Oh Rawly Boy, the pipes the pipes are calling, from Glen to Glen, and down the Mountain Side, they echo that, you are a precious boy...be true be true, God needs a man like you! You will have fun but remember who you are...be strong be firm, but have a GENTLE hand, you will help others...to be good like you....be true be true, God needs a man like you!" This didn't make me less tired, but it did add a touch of hope and sweetness to my feelings. God gave me two more uplifting gifts. One was a neighbor whose got a bruiser son herself. We talked about good practices, and then she said, you know none of the parenting books say it, but sometimes you have to get angry before they will listen, it does work, sometimes its just what has to happen, just don't hurt them of course, and follow up with love like Docterine and Covenenants says to. [D&C 121: 42-43) 42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—
43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;)--I didn't yell at him today but I have many other days, and then felt so bad about it. This conversation made me think perhaps I don't have to be quite as hard on myself on my discipline for Rawl as I sometimes think! The other little pick me up was my lovely friend Inga sent out a little personality quiz. It said to pick a person that reminded you of the following colors. Of course, Rawl went to orange, I am pretty sure its his favorite color or else he just looks dog on handsome in it and I keep dressing him in it. But the person you picked orange for, was a true friend. That really hit me, Rawl is my true friend. He is a loving little guy, very understanding, he'll come and ask me, "Mom, are you not sad?" When I look sad. He makes Riley and I laugh all the time, in church yesterday he hollered out "Dad has HERPES!! YOU don't have Herpes, Dad has HERPES!! Thank goodness for his two year old accent!! :) (Riley has a herpes cold sore) Until we get another little boy, Rawl is a bowling ball in a china glass shop, but he sure is my little friend from God!!! And one day, he WILL have a strong, but GENTLE hand!!!

Weeding Wednesday~Widow Wednesday

2008-07-17T07:08:00.000-07:00

Riley has to leave for a meeting every Wednesday, and my friend affectionately termed this Wednesday, 'Widow Wednesday'. This evening really poses its challenges on me every week, by the end of the day, my energy stores are completely scraped from my barrel of hope, kindess and love, and I transform into the Wicked Witch of the West, with no partner in crime, Riley, to come to my rescue. I devised a plan to escape this conflict, and deemed this day 'weeding Wednesday', it gets us all outside, I use my ninenergy (thats a term Cory devised, its negative energy) in a constructive and needed way, pulling intruders out of our garden, and it passes the time, as well. But to my chagrin, the witchy elements still escape. This Sunday School lesson was about the people of Limhi, the warriors who came to God to truly change, they buried their weapons vowing to fight no more, forever, and when the enemy came to attack, they prostrated themselves to the ground in prayer, instead of deffending their own lives. (Alma 24) I thought about these men, and realized, my own temper is a mechanism I have utilized to deffend my own self, protecting against any one I feel is trying to take something away from me, or who is taking advantage, or treating me in a way I don't want to be treated, and I feel this way, even if the intruder is my husband or child, using my temper to guard myself, and it usually comes out when my natural desires to maintain kindness have all worn down. I asked, could I be vulnerable like these people? Dare I? Could I turn to God instead when I needed him most? Yes I have prayed for help when the situation is sticky and hot, but my emotions are so great, was I really letting God in to help? Recently, I also studied also about King Limhi. He asked Aaron, a missionary, what he needed to do to change and [have] this wicked spirit rooted out of my breast,...that [he] might be filled with joy..." and Aaron responds that he must ..."bow down before God...and call on his name in faith, believing that you shall receive..." (Alma 22:15-16) It dawned on me, that my ticket was to prostrate to my knees, bow down like King Limhi, to attain the faith and humility I needed to receive God's strength and help.... Well, yesterday I plum kneeled, dog on it I kneeled twice, because I was feeling more overwhelm, and needed it again. Having so many experiences to compare this with, I can say that this kneeling was the extra bit I needed to believe God would help, I literally felt some extra strength outside myself come with in. I was exhausted still, but had what it took to be firm when needed, but not angry and ineffective...then came the real test, I had made it to this point before. When Riley came home, would I say something nasty, rude and undeserved? No!!! His grace was sufficient, I believed and it came to rescue me!! Sweet was the day, and I hope it transforms into many, and even to the point that it transforms the prayers of my heart so that I'll have that calling ability in times when I can't kneel. Like at the grocery store!! Not to say I wasn't a bit of a grizzly before I kneeled, but this was a triumph from learning to applying! Riley came home and gave me a back rub divine, and I sewed a pair of cute pajama pants!!!

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To Life, To Life, Lahiem!

2008-07-15T07:53:00.000-07:00

This is a quote from one of my favorite movies, Fiddler on the Roof. While visiting my parents in Monticello, Milly knocked over their cute little incubator carrying two eggs, one that had one small cute 'x' where the chicky had pecked its first little opening. Immediately a fowl smell filled the air, as one of the two eggs was actually rotten and dead already. Wiping up green guts amongst tears was an unpleasant experience, with Elena plaintively moaning in the background, while we all looked on at the good egg in a bit of yes, horror, and even trajedy. It had a crack all the way around, filled with blood, and it dripped a drop on the carpet which I in a measure of devastation, wiped up. Immediately, Elena said a prayer for this little chicky, but Dad the opptimist didn't feel the chick would survive. As every one left the room, I gave the chicky a little pleaing pep talk. "You can do it little chicky" "You can do it!" Then, remembering the ox that got blessed by a Mormon woman who hiked across the Mormon plains as they headed west to a home where they could live in peace at, I took my little finger and set it on the egg and blessed that little chicky to survive if it was Heavenly Father's will. I suppose this all sounds a little cheesy, but at this moment in my life, a plant wilting sends me in to sadness, as it reminds me of my life, and death and wilting I can not bear. Well, that little chicky made a soft faint peck peck peck at the egg. We went camping, and recieved a call later from Adam that the chick was doing well, really well! As we got home, we witnessed the chick as a hairy opening egg, heard it cheap cheap cheap each time you talked or sang to it, and then, I got to see almost the whole egg come open, cute awkward feet and all, just a little egg on its back remaining. Well, at first I pondered how wonderful it was for Elena to see her prayers working. But then I really began to cry, well true it was enhanced by watching Shadow Lands, a heart renching biograhpy about C.S. Lewis and his wife dying of cancer, but I knew that chick living was for me, too. There are times in life when the Lord takes away, and that is an important lesson in life, about its brevity and its sweetness, and its probationary time for us all to improve and determine to give up the things we need to to experience joy--for hope in the loved one who has passed to be in a happier place, and a place where they can watch over and inspire and motivate us. But for me right now, as the Lord helps the impossible to survive, it gives me such a hope, a hope in myself for change, a hope that those I have hurt in my life will recover and conquer like the valiant little chick, and that there is so much hope for love and harmony in our family though we've had points that seemed so low that their could be no hope for return. There have been dips where we all have been at the brink of hopeless death and despair and shredding of the togetherness of a joyous family...But here's to a Heavenly message of the LIFE of my ETERNAL family and for the strength of each member, I believe in each of you and the strength you have from with in!! And the talents that each individual has to bring to the direction for going forward as a family-team, and the enhancement and miracles each brings to our family. In many circ

umstances I have dropped the egg in trajedy and horror, as Milly did, and I am so humbled that the Lord would have such mercy, patiently keep teaching and loving me, take two for the team!! Shall I say take 24 for the team! (Thats the all of us) To LIFe to LIFE Lahiam!!

The Pure in Heart

2008-07-06T15:44:00.000-07:00

Before this culminating experience, Riley shared a scripture with me:

Jacob3:2 O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever.

I understand the conditions of having a pure heart, but I wondered and wondered, what does it mean to have a firm mind? Any thoughts?????

A late Valentine

2008-07-06T08:47:00.001-07:00

Well, I was raised with the rosy notion, that God loves me. Technically, I know he does. Occasionally, I feel he does, but lately, I have been living life, with that underlying definition, overwhelming my subconscious, that he's disappointed in my myriad of mistakes, and can only love me if I change, just a little more. That old image comes back to me, of teasing the bunny with a carrot, and each time the bunny comes a little closer, the carrot holder scoots the prize back, so its just out of reach, motivating the bunny to come ever closer. I cried at the couch the other night, crying and crying to him that I feel all alone, washed up on an island, depraved of his love. I plead repitiously to feel it, and went to my bedroom, emotionally exhausted, looking for a message in the scriptures, and I drifted to sleep, without an answer. Basically, I live my life like the typical Christian, praying regularly, loving my children and husband, repenting with varying degrees of faith, and often really feeling cleansing results that clears away thick guilt, bringing peace, reading God's words frequently, and trying to be a good neighbor. These things work wonders in my life, yet ironically still, I have this issue that keeps coming back underneath it all, that of feeling that God really loves me. When I especially flub the dub in a relationship, or in a situation with my children, the underlying feelings really surface. These feelings came to the surface undeniabley so, July Fourth, and I woke up grieving particularly for a relationship it feels I can never can repair, feeling the loss of this loved one's friendship, and feeling over all like a worthless piece of scum. I left on my walk, whimpering under my breath, can I feel your love God, when can I, when can I, the whole way, like a little abused puppy, howling gently for the aching pain. I saw a diversion in the path that led to the river, so I took it. I told him I knew I was far off from perfect, but, I needed to feel his love, could I, could I? I know his light echos through each of his creations, and so I looked at the river and the rocks, how could I feel a manifestation of this love and light, through them. I mourned a little longer. Then, I looked down, and I saw this rock, shaped like a heart. My soul stilled a little, and I picked it up. I looked to the right by about a foot, and vibrant green, surrounded by gray was this lone leaf heart, I hadn't seen it before. I picked up my valentines, the rock, somehow formed by the river, set just in the right spot, for me to find, and I put my hand around it. I picked the lone lacey heart shaped leaf, and rock heart, and began to walk home. Now that my soul began to feel calm, I felt his love, more and more. I realized, that he had hope in me, he had hope in me!!! I felt his love, now, not tomorrow, not when I was just a bit better at keeping my temper. I realized, that its not so much that God does not accept me the way I am, its more that he knows each problem that I have hurts me. When he wants me to change, its only to keep me from hurting myself and others, but the actual identity I possess, is 100% loveable, and 100% loved by him. In my mind, I knew the Savior was more the mediator than I before understood. If there is some heavenly law, that God can only love perfection, and there may not be, but if there is, then the Savior, in his Garden of Gethsemane, experienced each of my imperfections, so that at any given point, no matter how unworthy I am, I can feel God's love, and the more I feel his love, the more I can truly peel myself away from the natural man, and without it, I can only experience the same marginal success, and spin the same cycles of repeating crisis and mistake. I need his love, I need to feel it, and as I walked home, I rejoiced, that he LOVES me, he has HOPE in me. When I got home, I was greeted with my old self again, wanting to hold a grudge about something my husband insensitively said, but I prayed through it, and the grudge melted over the coarse of a half hour or so and I showed him my heavenly valentine, of hope, with its message, that God loves me NOW and wants me to feel it in its fullest, so I will have power to become.... I still have a lot to learn, at why I keep myself from feeling his love, but for that day, I felt his warm love, his stilling peace, and his hope in everything that I have been, am and will be.